Not such a good day

This is a really hard day for me. There's nothing I can really put my finger on...just a bad day. I've tried to keep myself busy while hubby is working. I've vacuumed, scrubbed, polished moved furniture to vacuum under even scrubbed the kitchen floor with Murphy's wood soap. Why...? I'm not sure. Something I think is fairly minor...which I won't go into...happened yesterday and it ended up ok, but now it's just like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have to remind myself that I must be "on guard" at all times. Just when I start to think better of a person, I'm reminded over and over again that there is a horrible sin involved here. I must continue to pray for EVERYONE who is affected by it.

There are some other things I should be doing. I should be going through photos that need to be sorted and organized. I just can't bring myself to do that. It's still too hurtful. Our entire family made 2 wonderful trips to Canada right around this time. We have wonderful photos of the trips. I used to love looking at the albums I made of those trips. I spent many hours putting them together and now I can't even open them.

My heart is heavy and I have a lump in my throat that doesn't seem to want to go away. I want to smile and be happy, but I can't let my guard down. I know this makes no sense, but it makes ME feel better just writing it.

For now I lean on Psalm 9:9-10

The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know Your name will trust in You, for You, Lord have never forsaken those
who seek You.

Happy Days

Here are some pictures of Steve and the kids on their recent camp-out at Montano de Oro. They had a great relaxing time, as you can tell.

Status Quo

There has not been much to write here as of late...you can tell from the title of this little post.

We just talked with Elizabeth and Jacob and they seem to be doing fine for the time being. In fact, they are leaving today (with their Dad of course) for a 3 day camping trip to Montano de Oro near Morro Bay; one of my favorite places. Elizabeth is part of a group from PMC called "Shadow Riders". They are trailoring out their horses and will spend several days riding trails along the beach. Rick is very envious. They will be staying in tents, having cook outs, roasting marshmallows, singing around a campfire...it all sounds wonderful. This will be the first time Steve has had any time off, other than days in court, which shouldn't be counted as time off...so we hope they have a wonderful time.

The next court date is sometime the later part of July.

"Hugs needed here"

I don't know what to call this post. Maybe something will "hit" me as I write. This is a hard week for me. Tomorrow is the day that Steve and Tracy meet in court again. I don't know what to expect. How long do these court appearances go on? Is there ever finality? I don't know...we've never been through this before. I have this lump in my throat today...it just doesn't want to go away. I have to keep telling myself over and over again the our Lord is Sovereign. I know it and I truly believe it...so why isn't it comforting? I feel such a sense of loss. I hate Tracy's sin, but I know our family misses her. She was a part of our lives for 12 years, so maybe this sense of loss is natural. I just want it to be over. I'm missing my California family a lot today. I could sure use a hug from all my grandkids today. Maybe that's the title of this post..."Hugs are needed".

Incredible Words!

I have come across 2 wonderful songs by Michael W Smith. I'm not sure who wrote the words (probably him) but I thought they were incredible and they are the cry of my heart.

Purified

Where the angels see,
You are praised as you should be.
But how can I express
My yearning for your holiness?
May it be that I will open up my heart,
Search me in the deepest part,
And I will stand in cleansing fire by you, purified.
By you I'm purified.

Savior of my soul,
To your strength I yield control.
Purge me from my stain,
Sin will loose it's mortal reign,
Make me free. And I will open up my heart,
Search me in the deepest part,
And I will stand in cleansing fire
By you purified. By you I'm purified.

You are Holy, You are Holy Lord.


Raging Sea

Sometimes the journey makes you weary,
Just like the long and winding road.
Sometimes this life can lose it's meaning,
But you might be surprised to find some hope.

Maybe you're wondering where love is,
You may feel it's far away from here.
Maybe you're wondering where I am,
You might be surprised to find I'm near.

And when your life is tossed and turning,
And you are on the raging sea.
I'll come and pull you from the water.
Then you will know that you are free.

So, if you're stumbling through the valley,
And if you're tempted to give up the fight.
Reach out your hand and I will lead you
I will be your strong arm in the night.

And when your life is tossed and turning,
And you are on the raging sea.
I'll come and pull you from the water.
And you will know that you are free.

A Quick Update

For any who are keepting track on this little blog...Tracy said she had a brain "malfunction" and forgot about the scheduled meeting with the kids' attorney on Monday. It seems like something that important would have been on her mind constantly. Even those of us in Ohio knew it was supposed to be Monday. I guess we remember things that are important to us. The meeting has been re-scheduled for today. I'm praying that #1...Tracy will remember this time and not put the kids through this again, and #2...that the kids will be able to say what is on their hearts. Thanks again for any who are praying.

An Interesting Turn of Events

Well...yesterday was to be Elizabeth and Jacob's first day to meet with their own "attorney". Tracy was to take them and then meet with the attorney afterward. The meeting was to be at 5:00 in Bakersfield. The kids waited and waited and waited for their mom to pick them up. Steve called the attorney to let her know that it was nearly 5:00 and still, no Tracy. It would take at least an hour for them to get to Bakersfield, so the attorney thanked Steve for the call and said she would leave...it was to be her last appointment of the day. Meanwhile, Steve changed his plans for the evening; made a call to Tracy to let her know she'd missed the appointment; then took the kids with him to a friend's house to watch the Detroit Redwings get beat by the Pittsburg Penguins in a "triple overtime"!

I'm not sure how or why the appointment wasn't kept. I'd think that something as important as this would have been written on every available calendar.

Innocent Parties

Sometimes I forget that we are not the only ones affected by what's happened with Steve and Tracy. Peter, who has moved in with Tracy is also married and has a sweet daughter. I must remember to pray for them and all the heartache that they are going through.

Something cheery

It seems like this little blog is a bit of a downer, so I feel the need to post some cheery pictures. There's nothing new since yesterday...just some pix.

Not much to update till June 18

It's been a couple of weeks since I've updated this little blog. I've been putting it off because there isn't much I can write about right now.

Elizabeth and Jacob are both scheduled to meet with their "attorney";once with Tracy, once with Steve and I think once on their own. This will all happen the first part of June. I'm glad it's after school is out. We talk to them nearly every day and they sound like they are doing ok. Tracy told the kids a week or so ago that she wished mommy and daddy could just split them 50/50. Elizabeth responded "but mommy...daddy wants us ALL the time". How would a mother respond to that? Her attitude seems to be "they'll be ok". It reminds me of how Tracy used to tell me about her childhood and how hard it was being shuffled back and forth from parent to parent. She was young when her parents divorced...has she forgotten the damage it did to her?

My heart breaks for the children and the situation Tracy has put them in. They hate being around Tracy's boyfriend, but she continues to push him on them. I'd think she would treasure the time she could spend alone with them. Sin...what a horrible thing!

Four days to go

Rick will be home in four days. It seems like he's been gone for months. Bootu and I have had lots of time to bond, but I know he misses his companion. Rick takes him for such nice long walks...mine are much shorter. I give him just a little more food hoping it will make up for the shorter walks. He will be almost as happy as I am when I pick Rick up at the airport.

I talked to "California" several times yesterday. Everyone seems to be doing ok. Things are pretty much status quo. It seems like Tracy is so caught up in all this that she's just clueless. How has this girl that I loved so much slipped so far away into her sin? I pray God will work on her heart. Sometimes I wonder...could I have done anything different...If I had been a better mother-in-law...If I had seen any warning signs...If we hadn't moved back to Ohio...the what ifs just go on forever, I suppose. But I have to keep reminding myself of the one lesson I'm learning through all of this."GOD IS SOVEREIGN"! Does that mean that God knows what the outcome of all this is going to be, but He isn't necessarily concerned about the day-to-day happenings that we're all going through. I know He loves us. I know He won't give us more than we can endure. (I can endure so much more than I ever thought I could, and I'm so tired.) Maybe if I wasn't getting stronger this would be over with sooner. I'm just so tired of being sad and I'm ever so tired of crying. I think when I'm done with this post, it is definitely time get my Bible out. The Psalmist and I have become very good friends over the last 6 months. I feel a little better just thinking about spending time in the Word.

I just looked at the title of this little blog "Rantings of a Forgiven One". I really HAVE been ranting and I truly AM a Forgiven One. Enough said...at least for today!

Alone but not lonely

I can't think of a name for this post...at least not yet. Maybe I will as I write. I've discovered today that I'm not much of a loner. My dog and I are home alone, he's not much of a conversationalist. I keep looking at the clock and then figuring the time difference between here and California. California seems like it's a world away just as Ohio did when I was in California. When I was in California, I always had people around me, friends and family; but I was still kind of lonely. Now I'm REALLY alone and I hate it. There are times when I'm busy with day to day life and I think "boy, I'd love to have just a couple of days to myself to do anything I want; or not do anything at all". Well, I've had two of those days, and I don't like them so much. I'm really missing my best friend. Rick works at home so he is usually busy for most of the day, but I know he's here. After 43 years of marriage, it still thrills me when he pops his head in and says "want a cup of coffee?" or "How would you like to go to Cracker Barrel tonight"? Sometimes he even says "what are we having for dinner tonight?" (that's not quite as thrilling) The point is...I really miss him. I went to church last evening without him and felt like just half a person. While I was writing this, the phone rang and guess who it was? Right...it was Rick. We talked for a long time about what is coming up tomorrow.
People ask if we're scared about tomorrow. The answer is "no" we are not scared or fearful, but we are apprehensive because this is uncharted territory for all of us. I told Elizabeth and Jacob that many people are praying for them. They have their clothes all laid out for court (isn't that just too sad). We said our usual good-nights. I always tell Jacob "I love you to the moon and back" and he always says the same thing back to me. Tonight he said "No Nana, I love you to the GALAXY and back...that's a lot further." It was good to talk to everyone.

So, now I have a title for this post.

One Step Further

Well, this morning Rick and my Dad took off for California. After Friday's hearing which was thrown out, they felt like they wanted to be there to support Steve, the kids and the rest of the family who have been there right along. (Todd, Julie and their kids) Steve's friend, Frank has been there as well. In fact, Frank just sent me a picture of Jacob taken with his IPhone. It shows Jacob asleep, leaning on Todd's shoulder. I guess he was not too concerned with what was going on.
After the judge threw that case out (which is becoming a habit), Steve spent a good hour and a half with his attorney. I can't go into details, since this should all be over one way or another this Tuesday. I can only say that we are constantly amazed at how the Lord is watching over us all. I don't know the reason for all this, but some day maybe we'll look back on it and be able to say "Oh...this is what the Lord was trying to teach us". I want to have a soft heart; one that the Lord is able to mold. My prayer has always been for the Lord to do whatever He has to to make me more like Him. I'm not sure I always thought about what this could mean. Steven and I were talking about this subject the other night. He said he doesn't know what the Lord is trying to teach him either, but he knows that 6 months ago, he would not have been able to go through this. He feels like he is a much stronger person now. As I look back on the last 6 months (has it only been 6 months...it seems like 6 years) I know that I am much closer to the Lord as well. I do want to remain faithful through all this. I don't want to have horrible feelings toward Tracy.
I want to see her come back to the Lord. She is after all, the mother of 2 of my grandchildren. If she doesn't repent, she will be sorry for all eternity.

The Next Step

Steve called last night to let us know that his attorney received the anticipated papers from Tracy's attorney. (This is all so foreign to me...I can't believe it as I write it. Surely this is a nightmare and I'll wake up soon). Steve sat down with the children and went over the papers, showing what she's requesting and talking about statements she's making. These kids have had to grow up very fast in a very short time. She claims that Steve is turning the kids against her when the kids say she has done this to herself by continuing to put them in situations with her and her "boyfriend" that make them very uncomfortable. She has even shown the kids where she and Peter sleep and the closet and bathroom they share. I know that God is in control and will watch over these children, but sometimes I feel like I need to help Him out a little. I'm so thankful that Todd and Julie are there to offer loving support to the kids and Steve.
Please continue to remember us in prayer!

Will This Never End?

I've been home now for 2 weeks. California seems so removed from this quite little life in Ohio. It seems like it's a world away. We had a call from Todd Thursday night at 11:30 saying that Steven had been arrested and was in the Bakersfield jail. That was all he knew, except that the kids were with Tracy and Peter. (horrors!) We immediately jumped to all the wrong conclusions...Steve had done something stupid to get in trouble...he'd run into Peter or Tracy and had an altercation...he'd been picked up for ...almost anything and everything was running through our minds. A little later, Todd called back and said that all the cars were still at PMC, and Steve had managed to get a phone call in to Todd asking that he go to Steve's house to turn off the oven. That indicated to us that something happened while on the hill and he was taken from there. Todd pointed us to a website which showed the actual booking time, his booking # and the complaint, which was a misdemeanor, and not a felony. It said the reason was "breaking a court order" and said bail was set at $5,000.00. He was to appear on Monday, 4 days later if he could not meet bail. We were devastated since we didn't know how he would come up with the money and we had no idea what was going on with the kids. It turned out that Tracy called the sheriff and said Steve had broken the "stay away order" by contacting her (even though she has done it many times) but this time, Steve was upset over the way she had promised to take Rachel with Sissy and Jake, but at the last minute changed her mind, and had all the kids in tears when she took off with them. Steve called and left a message on her answering machine saying "Tracy, what were you thinking??? You left Rachel standing out in the street and the kids were crying...what are you thinking??? She called the sheriff and said she'd been harrased by Steve and he'd broken the stay away order. (this was all done on the phone, not in person) After that, Steve put his dinner in the oven, sat down to watch a hockey game on TV, and within 20 minutes, 2 squad cars pulled up in front of the house, the cops came in , handcuffed him and wouldn't even let him turn the oven off before taking him away. When Tracy had the sheriff listen to the message, he said she had 3 choices...to let it go, they could go talk to Steve and remind him not to call, or have him arrested. She chose to have him arrested, then lied to the kids that Daddy was going to be staying with Frank Lloyd for the night. They thought that sounded funny since Daddy always watches Survivor with them on Thursday night. She told the kids that they would be having their first sleep-over at her house and they both cried. Through a very long turn of events, Frank Lloyd posted the 5,000 bail and he and Todd drove to Bakersfield to get Steve out of jail. Frank is like a big brother to Steve and he has taken this as his mission...to help Steve through this. Rick and I went through almost 30 hours of agony, not knowing what was happening, how the kids were, and how Steve was holding up. He is the only person I know who can make the best out of a horrible situation. Now that it's nearly over, he tells such funny stories about how his jail time was and all the characters he met. It seems like he would have grounds for false arrest if things were fair, but we know in this life things are not always fair. We are trusting the Lord to watch out for him and the dear children. It seems like Tracy is digging her own grave and she wants to take as many people with her as she can.

Coming soon...the road (or tracks) home!

Today is March 28! I can't believe that I've been here for more than a month, I'm totally exhausted. I miss my husband so much, but we are in touch usually twice a day. I've been staying at Steve's for the last 2 weeks. It's been good to be with the kids and see the routine that they've settled into. Steve will do a good job when I go home. I feel so bad that this awful thing has happened to them. Sin. What a horrible thing once it gets hold of you. Tracy is so bitter and she looks so hard. I've only seen her once, and she was very hostile. I can't believe it's the same girl who just spent Christmas with us. And she thought this was going to make her happy? The restraining order hearing went totally in Steve's favor. The judge pretty much gave Tracy a verbal spanking for wasting the court's time. Now Steve is in touch with a divorce attorney. He's going to Bakersfield today to sign papers. Tracy will be served some time early next week. Steve is seeking full custody, and I'm so thankful. The kids want to be with him and they hate when they have to leave to be with Tracy and Peter. How she could have done this to those children, I'll never know. I leave on Monday to go home. I'm ready!
More later.

Light at the end of the tunnel???

Oh my! What a roller coaster of a weekend! I arrived Friday. Steve, Todd, Elizabeth and Jacob met me at the train station. It was a sweet but tearful reunion. We went to breakfast at Denny's in Valencia on our way up the hill. Julie and Cody met us there just a little bit later. Cody had just gotten his braces off and he was finally able to eat anything he wanted. I went home with Steve and the kids for a little bit. The house is in need of a very thorough cleaning. The kids have clothes everywhere; Jacob still has socks and underwear in his drawers from when he was 2 years old. Nothing has ever been taken care of. When they move, they just pack up all the drawers and take everything as is. The kitchen needs a lot of work and the bathrooms...well, we won't even go there! (Today is Monday and I still have not seen Tracy. I don't intend to.) We all came up to Todd and Julie's and had dinner and a nice visit. Just as we were getting our coats on and opening the door, there was a knock and a man presented Steve with papers. We thought it was divorce papers, but it turned out to be a temporary restraining order against Steve. It was totally unexpected and totally without warrant. It just felt like we'd been kicked in the stomach. We all decided to stay at Todd's and have a sleep-over. Jacob said "this will be the best sleep-over ever!" We just all needed to be together and it was a wonderful time of bonding and praying for Tracy and Steve and the kids. We are all accepting that this will result in divorce, so now we are just praying for Tracy's salvation. She has to be living with such guilt...she can't stand to be around any of us. She told Steve she hates that we're all together up here "judging her". That's the farthest thing from the truth. We are concerned for her and praying for her. The guilt she's feeling is because she knows she's done the most wrong thing she could do as a mother and wife. Now I'm praying for Steve and that some day things will get better for him. He deserves so much better. I feel as if I've aged by 80 years. I'm physically and mentally worn out, but know it can't get worse. It can only get better from here.

Hearts are breaking

The worst scenario has happened. Tracy has moved out of their house and has a guy, Peter Green, living with her. He moved out on his wife and little daughter. Such selfishness I can never understand. I think we have been going through all the stages of grief as if she is dead. In way, she is...the Tracy I thought I knew is dead to me. How dreadful! My heart is breaking for Steve and the children. I am leaving in the next day or so to go to California to be with them and offer any help I can. I still don't know how she can do this...our whole family has lost her, but everyone is soooooooooo supportive of Steve. I know he will be able to come out on top of this.

One of my favorite days

This is a beautiful day. It has snowed off and on all day. It's one of those wet snows with big flakes. The ground looked all muddy and squishy yesterday. We'd had a good bit of rain for a few days. Then this morning everything was beautiful and white. Reminds me of my sin covered by the blood of Christ. I talked with Steve a little bit this morning. Things seem to be going pretty good in California. I know it must be hard for both of them, but they are trying. Steve said he thinks Tracy's heart is softening, so I'm glad for that. I keep praying that God will cause this dear family to stay together.

A New Year

Well, this is hardly the beginning of the year, but not too much time has gone past. We had a wonderful (what I thought was wonderful) visit with Steve, Tracy, Elizabeth and Jacob. The kids were great. I was able to spend lots of time with them and not worry about the house and things I should have been doing...cleaning and laundry. We played lots of games, watched lots of movies and spent lots of time watching the Gilmore Girls DVDs. Rick got a Wii game for downstairs and we spend lots of time playing games on it. We had a restful Christmas Eve. Then I had my folks over for Christmas breakfast and we opened gifts with the kids. Later in the day, Deana and her family came over for dinner and the "big people's" gift exchange.

Tracy and I had time to do lots of good talking and so did Steve and I. I thought things were going pretty well while they were here. There was always an undercurrent, though. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. One minute Tracy would seem good, and the next time you saw her, it seemed like she was in the corner texting someone or on her computer with email to someone. It just seemed odd. I didn't say or do anything about it.

It was hard seeing the kids leave. It's one thing to have all this free time here with us, then to have to get back to the reality of day-to-day life and schedules and all the pressing things that happen.

Steve called yesterday to tell us that just when he thought things couldn't be worse, the were. It turns out that Tracy did NOT have the affair she said she did, but was masking another relationship she had been having for quite some time. It's with a married man at PMC who Steve knows but has never cared for. He has an 8 year old daughter. According to Tracy, it never became physical, but she wanted it to be. I think she would have left Steve for this man if he would have left his wife.
Steve confronted him (scarey) and Tracy...it turns out this is the guy she'd been texting and emailing while they were here. After all is said and done, I think they are getting on the right track. Steve is meeting with his pastor today and as for Tracy...I'm not sure.

I have mixed emotions. Part of me is glad that there was no affair. Part of me feels like I've been betrayed. Tracy let us all go through the pain and hurt of thinking there had been an affair. All this for what??? To get back at Steve? Time will tell...I just have to keep trusting the Lord to know how to react to all this. What a soap opera!

I'm going to add some Christmas pictures to this post.